In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’ll explore why some partners shut down during conflict and what we can do about it. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.  
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A reader reached out with a question:
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‍When my partner gets triggered by perceived (and sometimes real criticism) they shut down completely, push me away and become numb to their feelings and feelings towards me, leading to a big disconnect in our relationship. And it’s becoming a cycle we can’t seem to escape. ‍Is becoming numb and disconnecting from your feelings normal? I know it’s a safety mechanism but it’s not helping our relationship. It’s giving me a sense of doom at this point. All I want is connection but I can’t seem to get that from them consistently.

‍Dear Reader,

I’m really feeling for you! This can be such a tough and complex situation to be in. And it’s a situation that so many people can relate to. Emotional numbing is a normal and common response to relational distress. It’s a form of dissociation, where the brain blunts emotional intensity to avoid feeling pain. While this response may have been helpful in past situations, it can be damaging to intimacy and communication in a romantic relationship.

This pattern doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. With understanding, patience, and new ways of responding to each other, couples can interrupt the cycle and foster deeper emotional safety.

Shutting down protects us from emotional pain.

When conflict arises in a relationship and a shut-down cycle happens, your longing for connection can feel impossible to meet. Many people (this might include your partner!) respond to perceived or real criticism by shutting down, becoming numb, and pushing their loved ones away. While these reactions may feel deeply personal and rejecting, they are often automatic responses rooted in how our brains and bodies are wired to protect us from emotional pain.

Understanding why your partner shuts down can help you respond with greater compassion. This can help you two work together (and separately) to break the cycle of disconnection. This exploration is something that often happens in couples therapy.

Shutdown usually isn't a conscious choice.

At the heart of the shutdown response is emotional self-protection. When a partner experiences criticism—whether real or perceived—it can activate a threat response. This reaction is rooted in our nervous system and is sometimes referred to as "emotional withdrawal.” When someone perceives danger in a relationship (like feeling criticized, rejected, or inadequate), their nervous system goes into a protective mode: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. For many people, shutting down is a "freeze" response—a way to avoid further pain by disengaging emotionally.

This usually isn't a conscious choice; it’s a deeply ingrained coping mechanism that likely developed long before your relationship. This reaction is often linked to how they experienced emotional connection (or disconnection) in childhood. If a person expressed their needs or feelings as a child, and it led to conflict or rejection—they likely used emotional withdrawal as a coping and survival strategy. Very often, children grow up and become adults who unintentionally use the same strategies to cope.

Within relationships, we often see a ‘pursuer’ and a ‘withdrawer.’

Your description reflects a common relationship dynamic known as the pursuer-withdrawer cycle. In this pattern, one partner (often the pursuer) seeks connection and emotional reassurance, while the other partner (the withdrawer) responds to emotional intensity by retreating to protect themselves.

When you reach out for connection and your partner shuts down, it can trigger your fear of disconnection and amplify your desire for reassurance. If you consistently seek this reassurance, especially with some hints of anxiety, your desire for connection can begin to feel like pressure on your partner.

This can overwhelm your partner and reinforce their need to withdraw.

Breaking this cycle requires both partners to recognize that these behaviors are not about a lack of love but rather about how you each manage emotional vulnerability and conflict. Partners can really explore this with a therapist who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy.

This shutdown is something for your partner to explore. But here are some ways you can support them!

Shift from criticism to curiosity.

‍Criticism, even when unintended, can trigger defensiveness. Try replacing criticism with curiosity. For example, instead of saying, “You never open up to me,” try, “I notice you get quiet when we argue—what happens for you in those moments?” You may want to ask these questions in a neutral and calm setting, rather than when they are mid-shutdown.

‍Validate and normalize their experience.

‍Let your partner know their feelings and coping strategies make sense. Validation can ease their sense of being judged. You might say, “I understand that getting quiet helps you feel safe, and I want to find a way to feel safe together.”

‍Regulate your own emotions.

‍When your partner shuts down, it can feel deeply painful. A lot of the time when a partner shuts down, they want or need some space and alone-time. This can feel so stressful to the other partner who’s seeking connection. It’s important for you to have some tools ready to emotionally handle the distress and to give yourself some love while your partner is taking their space. Some things my clients like are: texting friends, taking a shower, watching nostalgic TV shows, drawing, running, and journaling.

‍Help create a safe environment for vulnerability.

‍Emotional openness thrives in an environment where both partners feel safe from judgment. Consider scheduling regular check-ins where you talk about your thoughts and feelings regarding the relationship. This can happen, for example, every Wednesday night after dinner. Make sure to schedule these conversations, so everyone’s emotionally prepared and no one feels surprised or thrown off by an in-depth conversation.

I love starting out with Rose-Thorn-Bud check-ins! 

• Rose: Something that went well in your relationship over the last week. (“I loved when you texted me photos from our first date.”)
• Thorn: Something, since the last check-in, that hurt you within the relationship. (“I felt ignored when you were scrolling during our dinner last night.”)
• Bud: Something that you’re looking forward to in the relationship. (“I’m so excited to go to trivia with you on Friday.”)

Explore underlying fears together.

‍Often, withdrawal masks deeper fears of inadequacy or rejection. You and your partner can explore these fears together. It can be helpful to remind your partner that their feelings are welcome and won’t drive you away (and vice versa).

‍Remind yourself that you aren’t alone.

‍It’s understandable that this pattern is causing you to feel stressed. But remember: Disconnection is a pattern, not a destiny. With compassionate understanding and intentional change, it’s possible to shift from a cycle of isolation to one of emotional closeness.

By approaching your partner’s shutdown response with curiosity rather than judgment, you’re already taking an important step toward creating a relationship where both of you feel seen, heard, and safe to be vulnerable.‍

We’ve got therapeutic support for you.

If you or your relationship are looking for extra support: We’ve got a team of therapists and coaches who can provide the tools and space to process your feelings. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

Photo Credit: The White Lotus