In this month’s Ask a Therapist, I’ll be answering a reader-submitted question. Please note that the responses on our blog segment Ask A Therapist are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.

‍A reader reached out with a question:

‍Any suggestions on how to rewire the desire for toxicity? As a recovering addict, I worry that my current relationship will get boring. She is so patient, a great communicator, and a phenomenal navigator of conflict. However, I crave toxicity and don’t want this to eventually sabotage the purest love I have known to date.

‍I can hear your thoughtfulness in this question. It’s clear you’ve put time and attention into reflecting on yourself, your past relationships, and the care you have for yourself and your partner. Here are my insights that may help you navigate through this. First we’ll talk a little about addiction, then talk about how we can make room for excitement (rather than chaos and conflict) in relationships.

‍Dear Reader,

‍‍You’ve recognized your love of thrill and excitement, even if it involves substances and relationship dynamics that are hurtful.

‍We can feel emotionally and physically dependent on substances (nicotine, cocaine, alcohol, etc.) and behaviors (gambling, overworking, food restriction, etc.). When we start to address these patterns, it can feel so overwhelming to pull back the curtain and see what’s behind it all. It’s admirable that you’ve already begun the journey of facing your addiction.

For those of you who are interested in exploring your relationship to certain substances, behaviors, or addictions, here are some resources I recommend to help you progress on your journey:

• 12 Step Programs: There are so many different programs, ranging from Marijuana Anonymous to Clutterers Anonymous.
• Recovery Dharma: A Buddhist approach to addiction recovery.
• Sober Girl Society: A space for sober and sober-curious women. They’ve got cool blog posts, too.

As there’s less active addiction in your life, you’re likely experiencing everything, including your relationships, in a new way. You’re feeling all the feels. Welcome! So glad you’re here.

‍When we address addiction and toxic relationship cycles, we’re met with a new sensation: boredom.

‍If we’ve grown used to chaos, a healthy relationship can often be misinterpreted as a relationship that lacks excitement or passion.

This “boring” relationship might look like consistent routines, calm interactions, and predictable patterns, which can initially feel foreign and uncomfortable to someone used to high-intensity activities. Instead of arguments, these “boring” relationships might have more quiet, steady, and reassuring communication.

Where there is boredom, there are usually other emotions at play, like anxiety, fear of the unknown, and even grief over the loss of the adrenaline rush that chaotic and toxic relationships provide. During these calm, mundane moments, you might feel a sense of restlessness or unease in your body, perhaps a tightness in your chest, a feeling of emptiness in your stomach, or racing thoughts. This stagnancy might live in the pit of your stomach or manifest as an urge to seek out stimulation or conflict.

Feeling bored in a relationship can seem threatening because it challenges your internalized belief system about what love should look and feel like. It's as if the calmness signals a lack of genuine connection or passion, which isn’t the case. By reframing your perception of stability and learning to appreciate your relationship’s security and predictability, you can begin to see that what feels threatening is actually a sign of a healthy, nurturing relationship.

‍Your body and mind seem to love thrill. So let’s find some!

‍Conflict is a somatic experience. Our biological stress response (fight-flight-freeze) kicks in. Our nervous systems experience an increase in adrenaline and cortisol. Put simply, conflict makes us feel something (P.S. The things we’re addicted to make us feel this way too!).

Reader, there are activities and hobbies that can bring us similar sensations, like intense movies, emotional music, brisk walking, dancing, surfing, or public speaking. What are some physiologically thrilling activities that you’d like to incorporate into your life? If you’d like some inspo, ask yourself: When I was a child, what brought me laughter and thrill? This question can bring up a lot. You may decide to explore this with a therapist.

‍You can create excitement in your calm, long-term relationships.

‍Even if we reframe what boredom means to us and start to find it less threatening, we still want fun and excitement in our relationships! Don’t worry; there are ways to help make that happen.

First of all, you’re absolutely not alone. Once New Relationship Energy (NRE) starts fading away, lovers often feel concerned or worried that their spark and connection is gone. While our brand-new love used to keep us up late at night texting and laughing, that energy and excitement may not feel as natural and easily accessible in an older relationship. To reframe, it’s helpful to recognize the perks of Established Relationship Energy (ERE), like feelings of trust, comfort, and stability.

The good news is that thrill can be created in a lasting relationship! Here are my go-to suggestions that help give us those feel-good chemicals that we crave, like oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine (This can help replace the adrenaline we get from conflict and addiction!):

• Cuddle!
• Explore non-sexual intimacy
• Find new ways to say “I love you”
• Express appreciation to one another
• Stay playful. Move together and play!
• Have a more mindful bedtime routine
• Ask each other new and fun questions
• Explore and talk about your sexual initiation styles
• Spend intentional time together, rather than default time!
• Remind yourself and your partner of all the ways you’re attracted to one another

As you reframe, there’s so much more to learn about your personal relationship patterns, family history, and emotions.

‍The root of your struggles may be found in consistent therapy, support groups, conversations with your loved ones, and self-reflection. This can help you reflect on how your personal history (going all the way back to childhood and family dynamics) has contributed to your present-day mental health, behaviors, and relationships. Here are some resources to help you get started:

• Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) meetings provide a supportive and peer-led environment for individuals struggling with codependency. People share experiences, gain insights, and usually develop healthier relationship patterns. This group follows the 12 Step program that Alcoholics Anonymous uses. They’ve also got virtual meeting options. Check out the “Meeting Focus” filter to find LGBTQ+ options.
• Adult Child Podcast is a podcast that explores “dysfunctional” childhood experiences, addiction, codependency, trauma, and recovery. The host and their guests have a super personable, fun, and relatable approach.
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab offers practical advice and tools for setting healthy boundaries to improve relationships and overall well-being. The book illustrates how clear boundaries can reduce stress, anxiety, and conflict in various aspects of life. It’s also got a separate workbook, if that’s your style!
• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson is designed to deepen emotional bonds and long term intimacy. By addressing attachment needs and emotions, this book helps people create secure, loving relationships and resolve conflicts more effectively.
• All About Love by bell hooks delves into the concept of love, analyzing its various dimensions and societal misconceptions. Through a blend of personal reflection, cultural critique, and philosophical insights, the book advocates for a transformative approach to love that encompasses care, respect, and commitment.

If you need more guidance through this time of life, I encourage you to connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. All of our offerings are queer-centered and support trans identities.

‍Have a question for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

‍Photo Credit: Blue Is the Warmest Color