Are you feeling confused and concerned because you and your partner’s sexual desire don’t align? In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist and coach Lauren Bailey, LPC (she/they). We’ll help you gain some insight about mismatched sexual desire. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.

‍A reader reached out with a question:

‍Is desire important in a relationship? I love my partner and want a life with her but I don't desire her (or sex in general) often.

First off, let me just say this: You’re not alone in feeling this way, not by a long shot. I get questions like yours all the time, and they usually come from a place of deep care and commitment to the relationship. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to desire, and I’m here to reassure you that this desire discrepancy doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship.

‍Mismatched desire is a common topic in couples therapy.

‍Sexual desire, and the absence of it, tends to show up in therapy with most of the couples that Lauren and I work with. Whether it’s a difference in how much each partner desires sex, or just a general struggle with communicating wants and needs around intimacy and pleasure, it’s incredibly common.

Culturally and socially, we haven’t really been taught how to talk about sexual desire in a healthy, open way. It’s no surprise that so many couples end up here, in therapy or coaching, feeling unsure about where to go next. But let me tell you, the fact that you’re even asking this question shows that you’re invested, and that’s a great place to start.

‍Relationships can thrive without sexual desire. 

Lauren shared that, “sexual desire is not necessary to have a beautiful, meaningful, deep, and connected relationship.”

Desire, while important for some, isn’t the only way we connect with our partners, and it’s not a requirement for a happy, fulfilling relationship. Lauren sees it all the time—particularly in Mixed Orientation Relationships (MOREs), where partners may have different sexual orientations. For example, an asexual person might be in a relationship with someone who experiences a higher level of sexual attraction and desire. And yet, their relationship can still be full of love, joy, and deep connection.

Lauren also sees this in polyamorous relationships where people have “platonic life partners,” or even in couples where one partner is healing from sexual trauma and sex isn’t a focus for a period of time (or sometimes ever). These relationships are still rich, beautiful, and deeply intimate. The health of your relationship doesn’t need to be measured based on the frequency of your sexual interactions. The quality of your emotional connection is deeply meaningful, too.

‍You can explore your desire discrepancy by “over-communicating” with your partner.

“Talking about sex, I swear, has become way more taboo than having sex,” Lauren shared.

If this difference in desire is making you feel disconnected from your partner, it’s time to start talking. Life is full of shifts. There’s stress, health issues, and emotional ups and downs. All of these can impact how we feel about sex. Lauren recommends that couples use a tool called “over-communication,” which couples can use in certain contexts, like sex. Lauren describes it as: See it – Feel it – Say it.

For example, if you’re feeling low in sexual desire and your partner is feeling more sexual energy, you could say, “I wish I could be on your level right now, but I’m feeling so overwhelmed about work. Can we do something else? Maybe we can watch our show, instead?” This gives space for connection without pressure. Then, your partner can over-communicate back, by saying something like: “I feel slightly rejected, but I get it. We can't always be on the same page. I’m going to have a solo session in the bath and would love to cuddle after.”

Lauren reminds us that, “This sort of communication is actually harder than it looks because it’s vulnerable, requires honesty about our feelings, and asks us to take accountability for what we need. Eeek! But, with practice, it’s all so worth it!”

‍If your partner has low sexual desire, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not attracted to you.

For many people, their sense of self-worth or desirability gets wrapped up in whether or not their partner wants them sexually. But there are so many factors that impact sexual desire: self-esteem, body image, stress, biology, the list goes on. It’s helpful to zoom out and have a more expansive conversation and outlook. Rather than focusing on whether or not sex is happening, talk about what intimacy means to each of you, how often you want or need it, and whether there are other ways to meet those needs outside of traditional sexual interactions.

At the end of the day, conversations about sex can be tough, no matter how much we prepare. As we start these discussions with partners, other huge topics can come up…attraction, commitment, attachment, compatibility, self-esteem, and more. As these big and important things come up, you may decide to bring these conversations to couples therapy.

‍You can use these questions to get the conversation started.

If you’re wondering how to navigate these conversations, here are a few questions you and your partner might want to explore together:

• What does sexual desire mean to each of us?
• How often do we each want sex, and how often can we reasonably expect it?
• What other forms of intimacy feel meaningful to us?
• Are there other ways we can meet our needs for connection and closeness outside of sexual activity?

Remember, it’s okay for both of you to have different needs. You don’t have to match in every way to have a fulfilling relationship. Curiosity, openness, and compassion go a long way here.

‍We’ve got therapeutic support for you.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. Our queer-informed, sex-affirming therapists can provide the tools and space to process your feelings, work through relationship stress, and develop strategies for integrating pleasure into your life in a way that feels safe and empowering.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. All of our offerings are anti-oppressive, affirming of neurodiversity, queer-centered, and supportive of trans identities.

‍Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

Photo Credit: The L Word