Trigger Warning: Sexual Trauma

Are you struggling to reconnect with self-pleasure after experiencing trauma? In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist and coach Drew Torres, LSW, MEd (they/them). Drew and I will share some insights and strategies to help you create a fulfilling masturbation experience that honors your healing journey. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.

‍Masturbation is a natural and healthy way to explore your body, experience pleasure, self-sooth, and connect with your sexuality. However, for many survivors of trauma, particularly sexual trauma, masturbation can feel anything but safe and enjoyable. The memories and sensations associated with past trauma can interfere with the ability to experience pleasure and can even make the idea of self-touch anxiety-inducing. Drew and I have got some suggestions on how you can begin to reclaim this aspect of your sexuality and make masturbation feel uplifting.

‍Trauma can disrupt the relationship we have with our bodies.

Drew defines “shame, lack of self-trust, and fear” as the main characters in the post-trauma process. And that is a major blocker for masturbation. A first step in making masturbation feel safe is to rebuild trust and connection with your body. This doesn’t have to start with sexual touch. Begin by simply being present with your body in non-sexual ways. Practices like mindfulness, gentle stretching, or even placing a hand on your chest to feel your heartbeat can help you reconnect with your body’s sensations without pressure.

Seek and experience non-sexual pleasure first.

One of the most powerful ways to reclaim masturbation is to focus on pleasure outside of sexuality. Start by exploring what feels good in a non-sexual context—this could be anything from a warm bath to feeling the sun on your skin. Gradually incorporate these pleasurable sensations into your masturbation practice. Experiment with different types of touch, textures, or even sex toys that feel good to you. The goal is to rediscover what brings you pleasure without the pressure to achieve a specific outcome.

Signaling safety to the nervous system can help with masturbation.

When you’re ready to try masturbation, Drew recommends, “creating a container that signals safety to the nervous system.”

I absolutely love the parameters that they gave us because they offer guardrails of security. They described these containers as before-care, during-care, and after-care.

Example of before-care:

• Prepping your physical environment (candles, blankets, water)
• Doing grounding and regulation techniques
• Listening to your favorite sexy hype music (here’s a playlist put together by our exceptional Pleasure Mentor Kiana Lewis)

Examples of during-care:

• You can keep that music going
• Offering yourself affirmations, as you’re masturbating (“I deserve pleasure.” “My body is beautiful and capable.”)
• Listening and responding to your body’s signals (pausing, stopping, slowing down, picking up the pace)
• Hold a comforting object (stress ball, piece of jewelry)
• If you want visual stimulation, source ethical porn that is less likely to trigger you

Examples of after-care:

• Following up with something to self-sooth (tea, shower, comfort show, texting a friend)
• Self-connective strategies (journal, dance)

Try to prioritize a physically and emotionally safe environment. It is crucial when exploring masturbation after trauma. Choose a space where you feel secure, relaxed, and comforted. For you, this might mean locking your door, leaving the lights on, or keeping your clothes on.

Learn about your triggers and personal boundaries.

If certain visuals, sensations, or thoughts trigger traumatic memories, it’s helpful to be aware of them and set boundaries to protect yourself. This might mean avoiding certain types of touch, imagery, or fantasies that bring up difficult feelings. It’s okay to take things slowly and to stop if you start to feel uncomfortable.

Drew noted that, “when a trigger occurs during masturbation, it’s best to stop what you’re doing and turn to self-soothing.”

Taking our triggers seriously by pausing, rather than “pushing through” the discomfort, builds safety in the body. Your body and mind may need time to unlearn the associations between touch and trauma. This is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take breaks and give yourself permission to explore at your own pace.

Every day is different. This is a self-compassionate and patient process.

Reclaiming masturbation after trauma is a journey that requires self-compassion and patience.

It’s important to acknowledge that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about self-touch, and it’s okay to take as much time as you need. You might have days where you feel more connected to your body and others where it feels more challenging. Remember that healing is not linear; it ebbs and flows. Every step you take is a step toward reclaiming your pleasure and autonomy.

Masturbation can be a fun, calming, and exciting way to connect with your body and experience pleasure, even after trauma. By taking small, intentional steps to create a safe environment, set boundaries, and focus on pleasure, you can deepen your relationship with yourself. This is your personal process, and you have the right to explore it at your own pace, with compassion and care for yourself.

While you’re exploring masturbation, prioritize curiosity over expectation. There is no “right” way to experience pleasure. Taking the pressure off yourself can make this all more enjoyable.

We’ve got therapeutic support for you.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. Our trauma-informed, sex-affimring therapists can provide the tools and space to process your feelings, work through trauma, and develop strategies for integrating pleasure into your life in a way that feels safe and empowering.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. All of our offerings are anti-oppressive, affirming of neurodiversity, queer-centered, and supportive of trans identities.

‍Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

‍Photo Credit: I May Destroy You