In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist and coach Brendan Yukins, LSW, CST (He/Him) who will help us explore why we can develop crushes on our therapists and what we can do about it. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.

‍‍A reader reached out with a question:

‍I have a massive crush on my therapist. Is this something I can process, unpack, and work through on my own, or should I tell my therapist? It feels like if I were to tell them, it would ultimately be the unraveling or end of our therapeutic relationship.

“Don’t panic! Transference happens all the time,” Brendan said from the get-go. 

He explains, “Transference is the psychological phenomenon when feelings you have felt towards others are projected onto your therapist.” 

Therapy is an intimate space where you’re seen, heard, and supported in ways you may not experience elsewhere, so it’s no wonder that strong feelings can arise. Let’s break this down together.

These types of crushes are usually a reflection of our human need for connection and understanding.

A therapist often feels like a safe, nurturing presence in our lives. They listen without judgment, validate our experiences, and prioritize our emotional well-being. For many people, this level of care and attention might be something they’ve rarely experienced before, and it can spark feelings of affection and admiration.

But here’s the thing: this crush isn’t necessarily about your therapist as a person. It’s often about what they represent—safety, understanding, connection, or qualities you might long for in your relationships. Recognizing this can help you start to unpack your feelings with a little less judgment and more self-compassion.

Having a crush on your therapist doesn’t automatically mean you can’t meet anymore.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a crush on your teacher…🙋🏻

“Just like a crush on your teacher in school could be navigated without a threat to your education (or their work safety), having a crush on a therapist can be worked through collaboratively. The crush will probably subside, but your therapeutic relationship could grow stronger,” Brendan explains.

It’s understandable to fear that talking about your crush might lead to the unraveling of your sessions. But a well-trained therapist is prepared for moments like this. They won’t end the relationship simply because you’ve developed feelings. If anything, they’ll see this as a rich area to explore and work through together.

If you ultimately feel that your crush is too distracting or uncomfortable, and you’d prefer to continue your work with someone else, that’s okay too. Remember, your therapy is for you.

Addressing your crush with your therapist can deepen your understanding of yourself. 

This crush that you’re feeling toward your therapist is more than just a casual crush. There can be a lot underneath the surface. I consider it to be a therapeutic goldmine with so much to find and explore. It can open up conversations about patterns in relationships, unmet needs, and projections. 

“Without sharing your feelings with your therapist, they won’t be able to explore the crush with you,” Brendan explains. 

Brendan encourages clients to take a deep breath and open up to their therapist because, “You might find something important together. Clients might be looking for caretaking, a solution to their loneliness, or control over people who they perceive in authority positions.”

To start this conversation with your therapist, you could say something like:

• “I’ve been noticing some feelings coming up during our sessions, and I think it’s important to share them with you so they don’t get in the way of the work I want to do.”
• “I’ve been developing some strong feelings toward you, and it’s something I’d like to unpack.”

A skilled therapist will not judge you, feel offended, or make things awkward. Instead, they’ll see this as an opportunity to help you understand the roots of these feelings and how they might relate to your larger therapeutic goals.

One thing to remember: Your therapist is a human being. Their consent and autonomy matter, too.

“Crushes do not entitle us to reciprocity,” Brendan reminds us.

He explains that, “Sometimes therapists are so good at their job, you can forget they’re paid to be there!” 

Therapists have thoughts, feelings, intuitions, and preferences, too. 

There are situations where boundary issues or ethical concerns might require ending the therapeutic relationship–for example, if a therapist cannot maintain appropriate boundaries or if a clients’ actions make the therapist feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

These instances are more rare, and many therapists will work to help you feel safe and supported while navigating these feelings, as long as their wellbeing is respected, too. 

If you don’t feel ready to bring this up with your therapist, that’s okay. 

You can start by journaling, reflecting on your feelings, or talking to a trusted friend. Ask yourself questions like:

• What qualities do I admire about my therapist?
• Do these qualities remind me of someone from my past or something I’ve been seeking in my life?
• How might these feelings be impacting my experience in therapy?

Sometimes, just giving yourself space to think critically about the crush can help you make sense of it.

You might decide to channel this crush-y energy into your non-therapy life too! Here’s a cute little pep talk from Brendan: "It might be time for you to find a crush in your day-to-day life. How exciting! When’s the last time you allowed yourself to crush on someone? Get out there and find who you’re really looking for."

We’ve got therapeutic support for you.

If the crush has become too much, you can always have a fresh start. Our queer-informed, anti-oppressive therapists can provide the tools and space to process your feelings.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

‍Have questions for a therapist? Want to see it answered in our Ask A Therapist column? Submit your question here!

‍Photo Credit: In Treatment