In this month’s Ask a Therapist, I’ll be answering a reader-submitted question. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.

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One of our readers asked me: "What are some steps to overcoming past trauma with homophobia from loved ones regarding your sexuality?"

First, let me say that I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced homophobia, transphobia, and/or queerphobia from loved ones. You may have experienced other forms of oppression, too, like racism, xenophobia, and ableism. I want you to know that your experiences are real, your feelings are valid, and healing is not only possible but deeply worth pursuing. As a queer therapist and educator, I've been able to work alongside many individuals who have faced identity-based harm, and I've seen many of them heal. But “healing” doesn’t have a final destination—it ebbs and flows.

Nevertheless, there are ways we can experience greater peace in our lives after these hurtful life experiences. Here are some mindful approaches to facilitate your healing journey:

Acknowledge and validate your feelings.

To begin, it’s crucial to recognize and accept what you’re feeling. The hurt, anger, or confusion you might be experiencing are perfectly normal reactions to being invalidated or rejected by people who should have supported you. It’s important not to dismiss these emotions or rush to move past them. The Feelings Wheel is a helpful tool to explore many emotions. Allow yourself to sit with your feelings and understand them. It’s a fundamental step in acknowledging that what you’ve been through matters and that it deserves attention and care.

Build a new, affirming support network.

Finding and nurturing relationships with supportive people can make a world of difference. Seek out friends, allies, or community groups that affirm and celebrate who you are. Being around people who understand and accept you can provide a sense of belonging and can help counteract the negative experiences you’ve had. It’s all about surrounding yourself with joy and understanding.

This support network can also involve social media! Some of my favorite queer creators on Instagram are:

• @alokvmenon: reflections, poetry, queer history, queer joy, gender expansiveness
• @sonyareneetaylor: radical self-love, liberation
• @thefatsextherapist: sex/diet/colonial trauma therapist
• @willowonearth: writing, queering environmentalism
• @whatsmybodydoing: sex ed, queer and trans late bloomers
• @gendersauce: poetry, queering relationships
• @savage_taste: multiculturalism, design, food, and so much more!
• @queersextherapy: reflections, sex ed, queer identity, and queer relationships (plus, our practice’s founder, Casey Tanner)
• @theexpansivegroup: mental health, sex ed, queer identity, and queer relationships (plus, a shoutout to our very own Instagram)

Foster self-acceptance.

Building a true and strong sense of self-acceptance is super helpful. Engage in activities and practices that reinforce your self-worth and help you feel good about yourself. Whether it’s through self-care, positive affirmations, or pursuing hobbies that bring you joy, focus on nurturing a loving relationship with yourself. Your identity is important, and embracing it fully can feel incredibly freeing.

Establish and maintain boundaries.

Boundaries are a way of protecting your emotional space, especially when dealing with those who have hurt you. If interacting with certain people causes you pain, it’s okay to set limits on those interactions. This might mean limiting contact or steering clear of certain topics in conversation. Setting these boundaries isn’t about punishment; it helps create a space where you can focus on your healing without additional stress.

Communicate your feelings when, and if, you ever want to.

It’s perfectly okay to focus on your healing and not seek resolution from others if it doesn’t feel right. If you feel safe and ready, you might decide to have an open conversation with those who have hurt you. Whether you have these conversations is completely up to you. These conversations can sometimes lead to greater understanding or even healing. However, it’s important to approach these discussions with care. They can be emotionally challenging, so make sure you’re in a grounded and supported place before diving in. You may have a loved one or therapist on-deck to call after this heavy conversation, or they might even be with you during it.

Practice mindfulness and self-compassion.

Mindfulness and self-compassion can be incredibly helpful in managing stress and negative self-talk. Mindfulness involves staying present and aware without judgment, while self-compassion encourages you to be kind to yourself. Practices like meditation, deep breathing, and self-compassion exercises can help you navigate emotional ups and downs with greater ease.

Seek specialized therapy.

Talking to a therapist who understands queer issues can be incredibly helpful. This is someone who gets what you’re going through and can provide an open and non-judgemental space for you to explore your feelings. They can offer strategies and tools tailored to your unique situation, helping you process the trauma and find ways to cope. Remember, seeking therapy is a sign of strength and a proactive step towards healing.

Educate yourself.

Learning more about LGBTQ+ history, rights, and experiences can be both enlightening and validating. Understanding the broader context of your experiences can help you see that you’re not alone and that what you’re going through is part of a larger narrative. Knowledge can be empowering, providing you with the confidence to advocate for yourself and others.

Allow yourself time.

Healing takes time, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. Progress might come in small steps, and that’s perfectly okay. Allow yourself to heal at your own pace, and don’t rush the process. Each step you take towards healing is a testament to your strength and resilience. Remember—this doesn’t need to be a constant, active process. You can take breaks.

Healing from trauma related to homophobia is a journey that requires compassion, support, and time. By acknowledging your feelings, seeking professional help, and surrounding yourself with supportive individuals, you’re taking helpful steps toward reclaiming your sense of self. Remember, you are not alone in this, and your experiences matter deeply. Seeking support and caring for yourself are crucial parts of this journey. Take care of yourself, and know that healing is not just possible—it’s a beautiful and courageous path to reclaiming your joy and peace.

If you need more guidance through this time of life, I encourage you to connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. All of our offerings are queer-centered and support trans identities.

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Photo Credit: But I'm a Cheerleader