Yay! It’s that time of year again, where expectations of love and affection are present in every click-bait ad on social media and in the aisles of every checkout line. As a relationship therapist, I’m often frustrated by the commercialization of Valentine’s Day, but, at the same time, I also see it as a beautiful reminder to express love. Although this opportunity can be a wonderful excuse to feel more connected to our partner/s, I have found that this holiday, and the expectations around it, can sometimes feel particularly difficult for those in polyamorous relationships. 

As a polyamorous person and a therapist, I have seen folks, including myself through my own relationships, struggle between wanting to feel secure and connected to our partners during a day when love and affection are “supposed” to happen and wanting to respect the other relationships and connections they may have in a polyamorous arrangement. When we live in a world where we are taught and socialized to believe that there is one correct way to do relationships, we are put in a place where we are pushed to unlearn constraining relationship rules and create our own structures and expectations as soon as we decide that we do not fit into monogamy. 

Because we are left to chart our own course, I have collected a few tips from my personal and professional experience to help us figure out what we want and need from each other in polyamorous relationships, especially during Valentine’s Day. 

Tip 1: Reflect on your own expectations of relationships and partners.

This may seem simple, but I have found it difficult to process: We might be holding onto some expectations for our partners because of lessons we were taught by society, which can also be conceptualized as compulsory monogamy. This is an opportunity to begin our journey of unlearning societal expectations of relationships and figuring out the expectations that align with ourselves and our partners in order to be our most authentic selves. Take time and sit with yourself to reflect on the ideas that come up around a partner’s responsibility during Valentine’s Day without judgement. Remember, our upbringing and socialization plays a very big role in our learned expectations of a partner and that is not any fault of our own. The important thing to remember is that our personal preferences and needs may sometimes be stifled by compulsory monogamy in polyamorous relationships, but that doesn't mean our true desires can't be reclaimed.

Once you have taken the time to figure out what expectations you actually have, you can then reflect on your relational needs. These are your core needs in a relationship, meaning you have to have them met in some way, or else you risk feeling unfulfilled. Next, see if these are needs you can communicate to your significant other. Take time to sort through what you want to express and how you want to communicate…

Tip 2: Communicate your wants and needs and how they can be met or not in a relationship.

Now, it is important to come to your partner/s and communicate what you have found as your wants and needs. This is a stage where you may experience some difficult feelings if your partner/s share that they may struggle to meet you where you’re at. This is where you can come together to negotiate. For example, if your partner is not able to have a date on Valentine’s Day, you may be feeling down, but if your partner is able to come back and share that, although February 14th may not be possible, they would be able to make a date for February 15th or 16th then there’s a possibility of getting your needs met. 

The communication stage is important because you are coming together with a partner to improve intimacy and connection by sharing vulnerable information and working together to find ways that these wants and needs can be fulfilled. A lot can go wrong, but a lot can go right if you keep practicing how to express yourself and negotiate with your significant other. Although you may not get the “most perfect plan” with a partner, you can still work together to feel seen, secure, connected, and loved. 

Tip 3: Be present during dedicated dates and quality time. 

In order to fully enjoy time with loved ones, we want to work on being as present with our partner/s as possible. It’s important to try and still find the ease and joy of being together during the present moment, even after difficult conversations. Being present requires minimizing unnecessary distractions and staying grounded with your partner/s while you are with them, such as actively listening and engaging throughout your time together. There are plenty of things that can take us away from the present, but when we are prepared to stay in the moment then we can more thoroughly enjoy our time with a particular person/persons. This might look like turning off our phones or turning on “Do Not Disturb” so that we aren’t distracted, practicing progressive body relaxation in order to be connected to our bodies in the present moment with our partner/s, or it could be doing some co-regulating exercises to bring us closer to our partner/s.  

Wherever Valentine’s Day takes you, ask yourself: “Are we expressing love to each other authentically in a way that speaks to each other as individuals?”

Photo Credit: Transparent