Is it just me, or is non-monogamy media’s latest trend?

As a polyamorous person, I’ve long been craving (healthy, positive, lustful) representations of polyamory both in the media, and in society as a whole. And although many are not perfect, it feels like I don’t have to look far to find articles, messy dating reality shows, or recent add-ons to popular life simulation video games, all which bring varied versions of non-monogamy into the public eye.

Yet, as a polyamorous person, I remain skeptical about the portrayal of this content in a largely monogamous culture that still has a tendency to stigmatize non-monogamy. Even as polyamory becomes more trendy, misconceptions about non-monogamy are all too common as monogamy is upheld as the ideal.

One mistaken belief is that non-monogamy is purely a form of cheating. And although it is true that cheating can and does happen in non-monogamy, the word ethical exists before non-monogamy for a reason.

Healthy non-monogamy is based on ethical and consensual agreements and awareness between all partners involved. Yet compulsory monogamy culture often frames non-monogamy as an excuse to cheat, despite the truth that cheating is not specific to any type of relationship structure.

How is ethical non-monogamy different from monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy, like any other type of relationship, is built on respect, trust, honest communication, and consent between any and all partners involved. While monogamy is based on an agreement to be romantically, sexually, and/or emotionally exclusive with one specific partner, ethical non-monogamy isn’t built from this same core notion. This does not mean that non-monogamy is not based on agreements at all; instead, participating partners consent to differing agreements that include navigation of romance, emotions, and intimacy with other people as well as with each other.

What is cheating?

The assumption that ethical non-monogamy is just cheating operates from the monogamous ideal that romantic, sexual, or emotional engagement with another person other than your partner is and will always be cheating. This is not the case. As outlined by polyamory educator Evita Sawyers (LavitaLoca), cheating is about the violation of an agreement made between partners, not the specific act itself.

If you are engaged in a relationship where sleeping with someone else is a defined breach of an agreement, doing so violates the consent and trust built in the relationship, and therefore would be cheating. But if you are in a relationship where sleeping with other people is an act that is agreed upon by everyone involved, then doing so would not be cheating. Cheating is therefore defined by the individuals in the dynamic, and not by prescribed ideas about the dynamic itself.

Definitions matter: How do you define cheating?

This is why, although monogamy culture may have you believe something different, cheating can happen in any relationship structure. Cheating is always about a violation of an agreement and a betrayal of trust. That said, it is up to you and your partner(s) to define, agree, and consent to your specific arrangement.

Would it feel like cheating to you if your partner were to casually flirt with someone else? If your partner were to seek emotional support from someone else? If your partner were to sleep with someone else? If your partner were to sleep with someone else and not tell you? These are important questions to ask both yourself and your partner(s), as they will help you to define your own boundaries and clarify how to build trust.  

Cheating in ethical non-monogamy: it can happen!

As a solo poly person, I personally have a definition of cheating that looks very different from what I was taught by compulsory monogamy culture. I love and support the idea of my partners flirting with, sleeping with, developing feelings for, dating, emotionally caring for, and falling in love with other people (truly the list goes on). I relish it, and as someone who wholeheartedly believes in relationship anarchy, I deeply desire my partners to have multiple loving relationships as a system of love and support for all of us. But none of this means that I don’t define cheating or believe it can’t happen in my relationships.

For me, communication and honesty are of the utmost importance in my relationships, meaning that I define cheating as my partners not telling me the truth or keeping truths from me. This could look like a partner developing a new relationship with someone that they hide from me, or a partner not disclosing a sexual encounter with someone in a way that puts me at sexual risk. The definition of cheating is again personal. Only you can define and communicate what it means to you, and all relationships should be built on mutual recognition of what that definition looks like.

Although ethical non-monogamy looks different from monogamy in practice, non-monogamy is not in itself cheating. Cheating does happen in non-monogamous relationships, but those are cases of non-monogamy that are by definition, unethical, just as cheating in monogamy is an unethical act. In all types of relationships, it is essential to have explicit conversations with your partner(s) about boundaries, as well as clear parameters about how you define cheating, so that your dynamic can be built from a place of consent and communication.