In this month’s Ask a Therapist, we’re joined by The Expansive Group therapist and coach Vanessa Lopes, LPC, CTRS (she/her) who will help us explore why and how we might want to still have a friendship with our ex-lovers. Please note that the responses on our blog segment “Ask A Therapist” are not therapy, medical advice, or crisis management.

‍A reader reached out with a question:

‍Is it wrong to end a long term relationship but stay as chosen family platonically? My ex broke up with me recently and we love and care about each other so much but various queer and heterosexual friends have said I should just stop everything with my ex. There is a baseline of love and care but we essentially changed to a more intimate, platonic relationship.

‍Your connection with one another sounds so special, which can make this question and process feel even trickier. I like to remind people that breaking up doesn’t always have to mean breaking apart. Romantic relationships are often framed as though there are two options: “together” or “completely over.” 

Vanessa explained that, “It entirely makes sense to struggle with this kind of question. Many of us don’t have examples of healthy and reciprocal relationships that have experienced a restructuring.”

Many of us don’t have examples of healthy, reciprocal relationships that have shifted from romantic to platonic, so the idea might feel confusing or even impossible. But life and love come in many forms! Vanessa reminds us that we are social creatures who survive and thrive off of connection and belonging, whether romantic or platonic. 

“There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect a relationship that has taken a lot of time, effort, and love to create,” she shared.

Your relationship doesn’t have to fit into a single box.

Absolutely not! In fact, wanting to maintain a deep bond with a former partner speaks to the strength of your connection and the care you still have for each other. Some people assume that if romantic or sexual attraction fades, or if a romantic relationship no longer serves both people, the only option is a clean break. But that isn’t necessarily true.

Your relationship doesn’t have to fit into a single box. If the foundation of your relationship was built on love, mutual respect, and genuine friendship, then shifting into a platonic chosen family structure might feel like the most natural path forward.

Transitioning into a platonic friendship takes patience, communication, and a willingness to accept change.

In Vanessa’s experience, many people express the desire to remain close friends when ending a relationship.

However, she’s found that, “It’s pretty rare to see all people in the relationship put in the effort to remain kind and loving throughout the restructuring process while also having the patience and acceptance for all the new shapes and flavors that the relationship will move through.” 

Relationships—of all kinds—require patience, communication, and a willingness to accept change. Not everyone is ready for or interested in that process, and that’s okay too. 

Transitioning into a platonic friendship doesn’t work for everyone.

‍While transitioning into a platonic chosen family is possible, it isn’t the right choice for everyone. Some people need a full separation to heal, even if they still care for their ex. Vanessa shared some practical and emotional reasons that some people may decide not to stay friends. 

• Safety concerns – If the relationship involved abuse or violence, maintaining any kind of connection may not be healthy or safe.
• Betrayal or conflict – Affairs, dishonesty, or conflicts with family or community can make continued connection too painful.
• Emotional boundaries – Some people simply do not have the emotional capacity to continue relating to a former partner, and that’s a valid choice.
• Personal preference – Some individuals prefer a clean break to allow space for personal growth and new relationships.

Regardless of the reason, respecting each other’s choices and boundaries is essential. It’s okay to grieve the loss of a romantic connection while also recognizing that separation might be the best decision for at least one person involved.

There are ways to support yourselves through this transition.

If you and your partner are both on board with restructuring your relationship, Vanessa encourages these steps to help make the transition smoother:

• Allow for time and space – “You’re still going through a break up and there will be times when you need to feel the feels around that loss,” Vanessa said. Give yourselves permission to grieve, adjust, and redefine your dynamic without rushing the process.
• Create new hobbies and routines – Shifting from romantic partners to platonic friends means redefining how you spend time together. Explore new ways to connect that don’t rely on old relationship patterns.
• Set boundaries and clarify off-limit topics – Vanessa reminds us that,“Caring for each other is sometimes talking about the things, and sometimes it’s the absence of talking about those things.” It’s important to discuss what feels okay and what doesn’t feel okay to talk about in this new phase of your relationship. For example, will you talk about dating other people? Are there certain interactions that still feel too intimate? Boundaries help protect both of you. 
• Process your emotions with supportive people – Some friends or family members may not understand your decision to stay connected. That’s okay! Seek out nonjudgmental friends, therapists, or support groups who can hold space for your emotions.
• Affirm and celebrate each other – Transitioning a relationship is hard work, and both of you deserve recognition for your efforts. Take moments to acknowledge how far you’ve come and celebrate the new kind of love you’re cultivating.

Love doesn’t always have to end just because a relationship is changing form.

Whether you become platonic co-parents, best friends, or chosen family, what matters most is that your connection feels fulfilling, reciprocal, and sustainable for both of you. If you’re considering this kind of transition, you can allow space for difficult emotions and remind yourself that there is no single “right” way to structure relationships. You and your former partner get to decide what works best for you, and that’s a special thing.

We’ve got therapeutic support for you.

If you or your relationship are looking for extra support, our queer-informed, anti-oppressive, therapists can provide the tools and space to process your feelings.

You can connect with one of our therapists or coaches using our intake form. We offer individual and relationship support. In addition, check back regularly for support group openings where you can be in community while healing. All of our offerings are affirming of neurodiversity and multicultural identities, are affirming of sex and non-traditional relationship structures, and are supportive of queer and trans identities.

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Photo Credit: Disobedience‍