For people who find themselves wanting sex infrequently, it can be tricky to tell if their experience is rooted in a condition, like low desire, or an identity, like asexuality. While there are some distinctions between these experiences, it’s important to note that they can and do overlap. As with most phenomena in the realm of sexuality, it’s rarely as simple as it seems.

First things first: what is asexuality?

Asexuality is commonly defined as a lack of sexual attraction. While this definition captures asexual identity for some folks, it leaves out a variety of presentations that are crucial to the asexual umbrella.

For this reason, in their book Refusing Compulsory Sexuality, Sherronda J. Brown offers a more spacious definition: they name asexuality as any relationship to sex that falls outside of what the dominant culture defines as normal, “marked by varying degrees of sexual attraction and desire.” With this definition in mind, it’s easy to see how asexuality as an identity can accommodate for a spectrum of presentations and experiences.

What is low desire?

Low desire is a sexual condition that affects people of all genders, indicated by a decrease in libido. According to the Cleveland Clinic, this decrease can be temporary or chronic and can be attributed to a number of causal factors, like health conditions, relationship dissatisfaction, stress, and more.

How can I tell the difference?

The go-to distinction between low desire and asexuality is that, clinically speaking, the former is associated with distress while the latter is not. That is to say that, theoretically, asexual people are not troubled by their non-normative relationship to sex, whereas people with low desire do feel a level of dissatisfaction about it.

This definition is more accurate than the cliché, but being part of the asexual community has taught me that there’s even more nuance. I know asexual people who feel distressed by their asexuality—who wish they could have a “normal” sex life and struggle with self-image and self-esteem as a result, yet these same folks still understand their sexuality is a facet of their identity rather than a problematic condition that should be fixed. We can all struggle with our identities while still cherishing them. For this reason, I don’t consider the presence or absence of distress to be a definitive arbitrator between asexuality and low desire.

Another proposed distinction is that low desire can be changed, whereas asexuality cannot. This is troublesome for a few reasons: there are people with low desire whose condition doesn’t respond to treatment; there are people who previously identified as asexual whose sexuality evolved into allosexual; and there are people who are asexual that chose clinical intervention to increase their libido.

As you can see, these are nuanced concepts that defy blanket categorization. So, how do you know what language can be used to describe your relationship with sex?

Some tips on language

That language you use when you talk about your experience depends largely on preference, including what you hope to convey.

Given dominant understandings of these concepts, you can assume that when you use the term “low desire,” you will be understood as describing a sexual condition that you likely hope to change; on the other hand, if you use the term “asexual,” you will be understood as describing an intrinsic identity.

Thus, if you’re talking to your primary care physician about seeking medical intervention to increase libido, you may want to use the language of “low desire;” whereas, if you’re seeking community with other folks who have a non-normative relationship to sex, you may want to use the language of “asexual.”

But again, preference is key. It may feel affirming for you to describe yourself as asexual even if you experience temporary, episodic periods of decreased libido. And it may feel more accurate to say that you experience low desire even if you haven’t wanted to have sex in years.

You know yourself better than anyone, and I encourage you to feel empowered to use the language that feels authentic to you.

Still struggling?

One of the benefits of seeing a sex therapist is that we’re trained to support you in parsing out these nuances and understanding your experience of sex with an eye towards the many shades of gray that exist between every binary. If you’re feeling confused about whether you’re asexual, experiencing low desire, or somewhere in between, our team can help. Click here to get support.

Photo Credit: Set It Off